I had lost my self worth.
I think it disappeared some 18 years ago when I had a mental breakdown, I never really found it again and entered into a mentally controlling marriage, then a two year violent and mentally abusive relationship which I think I'd still be in if the social services didn't help me. At the time I didn't really see things for how they were, I was too busy trying to be 'good enough'. Consequently in those types of relationships you will never ever be 'good enough' no matter how hard you try...what a sorry state to be in!
When my last abusive relationship ended 10 months ago, I found myself lost. I didn't know who I was. There was no one telling me I was wrong, I was no longer someone who was stupid, lazy, messy or scum, I was no longer not 'good enough' I didn't have to try to be 'good enough' I just had to be me, but I wasn't there.
Its taken a while to get used to not having to doubt everything I do or say, its taken time to build my confidence back up, there is still building to do, but the brickies are working fast! I am slowly finding who I am and my self worth.
Now about my 'self worth' in relationship to my career as an artist. I have been an artist all my life but a full time artist for over 15 years now. Finding that I no longer have to listen to someone telling me to get a 'proper' job, what paintings they think I should paint, or told to stop painting as I hadn't sold what I did, even a couple of so called male friends thought they had the right to tell me my art was crap and what they thought I should and should not paint (happy to say we are friends no longer!). I realise that my 'self worth' regarding my work had gone, I didn't think I was 'good enough' I didn't think I was a good artist, I compared my work to how I felt about myself...not worthy.
So, I am moving forward, I am finding my self worth, I am good enough.
I HAVE WORTH AS DO MY PAINTINGS
I AM WORTHY.
this is my favourite painting
i think it speaks for itself :)