Saturday, 12 September 2015

SELF WORTH

I have been feeling rather low of late, lost in fact, ready to give up, about to lose my home and all I own...then something  'clicked' inside my head, something a dear someone keeps telling me, until they put it into context I didn't really see...
I had lost my self worth.
I think it disappeared some 18 years ago when I had a mental breakdown, I never really found it again and entered into a mentally controlling marriage, then a two year violent and mentally abusive relationship which I think I'd still be in if the social services didn't help me. At the time I didn't really see things for how they were, I was too busy trying to be 'good enough'. Consequently in those types of relationships you will never ever be 'good enough' no matter how hard you try...what a sorry state to be in!
When my last abusive relationship ended 10 months ago, I found myself lost. I didn't know who I was. There was no one telling me I was wrong, I was no longer someone who was stupid, lazy, messy or scum, I was no longer not 'good enough' I didn't have to try to be 'good enough' I just had to be me, but I wasn't there.
Its taken a while to get used to not having to doubt everything I do or say, its taken time to build my confidence back up, there is still building to do, but the brickies are working fast! I am slowly finding who I am and my self worth.
Now about my 'self worth' in relationship to my career as an artist. I have been an artist all my life but a full time artist for over 15 years now. Finding that I no longer have to listen to someone telling me to get a 'proper' job, what paintings they think I should paint, or told to stop painting as I hadn't sold what I did, even a couple of so called male friends thought they had the right to tell me my art was crap and what they thought I should and should not paint (happy to say we are friends no longer!). I realise that my 'self worth' regarding my work had gone, I didn't think I was 'good enough' I didn't think I was a good artist, I compared my work to how I felt about myself...not worthy.
So, I am moving forward, I am finding my self worth, I am good enough.
I HAVE WORTH AS DO MY PAINTINGS
I AM WORTHY.

this is my favourite painting
NOT PERFECT
i think it speaks for itself :) 





13 comments:

Judy Hofert said...

I think I can understand some of what you're saying about losing your self worth as I too, got to that stage and sometimes still feel I'm worthless, no use to anybody, not needed, failed at 2 marriages. Since having to start over at the age of 49 with $10000 to my name, I still feel there is nothing to look forward to in my future. Now, at age 62 I'm taking a huge risk, since my Company's contract is ending in November and I will be made redundant after 10 years. I'm tired of sitting at a computer day in and day out. I don't like living in the city (Melbourne Australia), I haven't been able to afford to live on my own for many years, and have always lived with family, lucky I have a large family. I'm moving to the country where I have a run down house with a fat mortgage which has been rented out since I bought it 7 years ago. I will be poor, but I can't wait. I won't have to worry about anybody else in the house, I'll be able to paint and stay up late, and make a noise and sleep in or get up at 5am and my dog will be my faithful companion. Part time work in a coffee shop or cleaning will hopefully come my way, but I need a rest. I have no desire to continue sitting at a desk.
My passion has always been art & I've not pursued it, but now is the time and you inspire me so much. Not just your artistic talent but your video's showing the real you and being so open about 'stuff'. I admire you and you have helped me make this decision. I could stay in the city and plod on, but nothing will change. I need to be brave & do this while I'm still able and young enough. We only get one go at this life.

rachel jones said...

:)

Cusp said...

So sad to read the first half of your post. I knew things had been bad but not SO bad :( Pleased that you have escaped the bullies and now have a chance to see and feel how amazing your work is. You know that there are many many people who find your work transfixes them because you 'speak' so eloquently through your creativity and that honesty draws people in. That is the sign of a true and compelling gift x

Hope you can begin to find your real wings now and begin to fly with true confidence

x

Glenda Hoagland said...

You are an inspiration. I have been struggling with these thoughts of inadequacy, reading you post at this time on this day is a Godsend. Blessings to you

Sunshineshelle said...

OMG I love LOVE your creations sweet babe! If I had money I would buy every F-ING one!!! Just last week I was looking at some little gems of yours & wondering if I could get me one for each of my sweeties as a Christmas present (TRUE STORY)... I see you as awesome wrapped in more awesome, the ONLY reason I did that 'Community Thrive' thing was because YOU were a part of it http://sunshineshelles.blogspot.com.au/2014/05/monster-mayhem-and-madness.html I didn't do anything else - yeah I'm a little nuts because I could have bought a peice of your work instead :/ Anyways, just saying, it is really pissy that you haven't found a bigger 'buying' audience, but believe me, you have many fans & admirers, your work is raw, inspired, graphic & sometimes so touching it breaks my heart a little... you are better than 'good enough' you are f-ing brilliant!

DOROTHY said...

Thank you so much. You're awesome, Michelle.

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mitsi Brown said...

I wish you all the best on the next adventure of your life, enjoy every moment :) x

mitsi Brown said...

:) x

mitsi Brown said...

Thank you cusp, yeah things were bad and it's hard to move forward but I'm getting there slowly, trying not to be so hard on myself is the hardest thing ! X

mitsi Brown said...

Thank you Glenda, I hope that through my words and art I can help people in some way, it's what spurs me on :)

mitsi Brown said...

Thank you so much :) x

mitsi Brown said...

Thank you :) X